Stroll

Ah, sun again; the rain has been non-stop for three days. Red chestnut glows against the blue sky. A single swan, wings whistling, flies low overhead as I made my way to the river.

I stand aside on the narrow path to let a stocky young woman power-walker in a brown sweatshirt and her cocker spaniel overtake me.  These days I'm slow.  I walk, I stroll, I meander.  I no longer stride out and I certainly don't power-walk.  In typical British fashion we smile vaguely, slightly embarrassed, and avoid direct eye contact. 

Today's goal is the large white stone to the side of the path.  Done. Not far now to the gate that leads into the field.   Thus is progress is measured.  As I turn back, two canoeists can be glimpsed through the trees, their voices surprisingly loud across the water.  They don't see me.  The river, brown, fast and swollen carries them swiftly on.

On the way home, foxgloves in my favourite garden.

****

The face pain is turning from a sharp nerve pain into a nasty, throbbing, torn ligament-type ache.  Intermittent thankfully. And here I must put in a plug for the  Do-It-Yourself-Joint-Pain-Relief.com website.    I've been following instructions for jaw, neck and upper back pain.   The techniques don't cure the ligament pain of course, that would be unrealistic.  But they loosen things up in the surrounding area and sometimes turn the pain volume down and, as importantly, take away some of the feeling of helplessness.  Doing something is good therapy in itself.  (If this were an astrology blog I would mention that Mars is currently in my 1st House and moving oh so slowly!)

Exuberance

The exuberance of nature on a sunny spring day is almost overwhelming to my indoor-accustomed senses. The intensity of colour. The smells and sights and sounds.  And the relief I'm experiencing this year in being - just a little bit - out and about and able and willing to take photographs once again is hard to describe.

But today I'm having to deal with a pinched nerve in the jaw after a session in the dentist's chair a few weeks ago with my mouth jammed open too wide for too long, and the change in my bite following a new crown.  The throbbing pain radiating out from the temporomandibular joint set in a few days later after each time I chewed on that side and even sometimes when I didn't.   According to the cranial osteopath, who worked her usual magic on releasing and soothing spasmed muscles and connective tissue, the battered nerve and tissue should gradually calm down over the coming weeks. It's a bit better after her treatment but I still have to be careful how I eat.   Soft foods only on the menu right now. I speak to the osteopath on the phone this afternoon for my reassurance (she's very good at that) and  I'm seeing the dentist again later this week. Gulp. 

In short, facial pain is a pain. Ice packs are at the ready.

So the daily walks are both a therapy and a distraction.  I've acquired a small reference book of British trees. Embarrassing how few species I can name with any confidence, aside from the obvious ones (weeping willow, oak, holly etc.) After rifling through the pages I  think the beautiful specimen above is a sycamore in flower. If I'm wrong I'm sure someone will tell me.


Oh and Mars has turned direct today.  Hooray.
 

Twelfth House

In [the 12th House] the progressing Moon gives a person the opportunity to examine his life from a perspective broader than that of self-gain and self-interest. If a person will not take this opportunity then he will be forced to acknowledge that there are other ways of looking at the situations in which he has been involved, even if this takes imprisonment, hospitalisation or the loss of loved ones. During this period of his life a person frequently feels lost and lonely but nonetheless, it exists as an opportunity for him to rethink his life and use his future more wisely than he has used his time up to that point. That opportunity will be at its most obvious and most pressing as the Moon reaches the closing degrees of the 12th House - just before a new twenty-eight year cycle begins.

The DK Foundation
 http://www.dkfoundation.co.uk/dkfoundation/BookTransitsBook12.htm

Yup, that's me right now.  Looking back over the past months and the state of my life and relationships is sobering, as indeed it has been all the time I've been ill.   Horribly tempting to see myself as a victim.  I have to ask am I really, and if so why.  Why does the behaviour of others trigger the old childhood feelings - not good enough, not worth making the effort for, feelings that have been a leitmotif throughout my life.  You are so strong and independent people say to me.  And I am.  But I'm also lonely much of the time and that's very hard to admit.

What this period of ill health and consequent isolation has done is give me the space and time to deal with some of this.   I've not only let go of junk food and clutter; some  family relationships and friendships have faded away as well. Illness has changed the dynamics.  All but two I accept as having ended naturally, but the remaining two I grieve and ache for.  Disappointment and disillusion are hard.

The isolation has been needed.  Awful but needed.  I've needed to understand how strong I am as well as how weak. Sometimes - not so often now thankfully - the physical pain and discomfort have been so excruciatingly bad I wouldn't have been able to cope with anyone around  me,  also the loneliness has provided the framework, the space and time to think and dream and hope, to take care of my diet and health without pressure from others.  There is solid satisfaction in cleaning up my act. (Mustn't forget either to thank the two therapists, the cranial osteopath and the naturopath, who in different ways continue to haul me out of the pit).

As I said, sobering.  But given where I was in early 2009, almost certainly necessary.   And going into 2014 I'm not unhopeful that with honesty and vulnerability, as well as strength and independence, things may change. Even though I'm sixty-four.  My dreams are more mundane and realistic now but that's just fine. 

Lavender and Blackbirds

One of the joyous side effects of the sorting out of my gut flora has been the occasional flare up in the sinuses (don't ask me why, but apparently it's not uncommon).  I've never been particularly prone to sinus problems.  There's no sore throat or cold or flu, no swollen glands, just a dry burning pain at the top of the nose that at times makes me want to rip open my nasal cavities with my bare hands.  

The first bout was in early March when I tried to increase the probiotics dosage too suddenly; then a badly upset stomach was accompanied by the world's worst ever sinus headache.  Fortunately I had an appointment already booked with the cranial osteopath who worked her usual magic and the pain dissipated the same day. A second flare-up yesterday; this time the osteopath's on holiday and anyway it isn't that bad, but it's bad enough.

So switch off the central heating (too drying), open the windows to let in the damp rainy air and steam inhalations every few hours.  A towel to cover the head and a bowl of hot water with a couple of drops of lavender essential oil.  Surprisingly soothing.

But I wish it would all go away.

By way of homage to the modest but so useful plant, my own lavender bush a few summers ago - a magnet to the bumble and honey bees of the neighbourhood. 



(For anyone out there with an astrological bent my natal Moon at 25 Aries is currently  being battered by the ongoing planetary line-up and, yes, in particular Mars.   So no surprise perhaps.)

****

A pair of blackbirds have built a nest in the large evergreen shrub (nobody, not even the gardener, can identify it) by the compost heap. Peering into the shrub's depths the other day I caught sight of the female sitting on her eggs, quiet and unmoving.  I feel honoured.  The downside is that I won't be able to have the lawn mowed for several months until the young ones leave the nest for fear of driving the parents away, but do I care if the back garden resembles the savannah grasslands come June?  No.