Jupiter

Early. Very early.  The glorious, shining speck of light against the cold blackness of the night sky is the first thing I see as I raise the bedroom blind.  Jupiter slowly descending towards the western horizon.  Uplifting and encouraging? Yes definitely. Illogical reaction? No.

Gaudete

Hunkering down. The rain slams against the window as I type this and the strength of the wind is increasing.  A foretaste of the series of storms heading this way from the Atlantic later today.  It's a wild world out there.

A different Christmas but not a downbeat one - a lot of expectations have been shed this year thank heavens.  A warm house, good food, enough money not be too worried about it, at least not all the time. An invitation from a neighbour. A DVD box set to watch.   Best of all in the last few days there's been renewed contact with my oldest friend which seems to have put to rest the nasty falling-out we had in June.  A load off the mind and heart.



Can't get enough of this carol.  Gorgeous a capella singing in Latin by Steeleye Span.  A reminder of non-commercial celebrations down the centuries.

Whatever you are doing (or not), may the coming days be happy and peaceful ones. Merry  Christmas.

Solstice

Darkness everywhere but as from today the light will return. Slowly, imperceptibly, inexorably. 

 

I love the Winter Solstice and I wish you a hopeful one.

Twelfth House

In [the 12th House] the progressing Moon gives a person the opportunity to examine his life from a perspective broader than that of self-gain and self-interest. If a person will not take this opportunity then he will be forced to acknowledge that there are other ways of looking at the situations in which he has been involved, even if this takes imprisonment, hospitalisation or the loss of loved ones. During this period of his life a person frequently feels lost and lonely but nonetheless, it exists as an opportunity for him to rethink his life and use his future more wisely than he has used his time up to that point. That opportunity will be at its most obvious and most pressing as the Moon reaches the closing degrees of the 12th House - just before a new twenty-eight year cycle begins.

The DK Foundation
 http://www.dkfoundation.co.uk/dkfoundation/BookTransitsBook12.htm

Yup, that's me right now.  Looking back over the past months and the state of my life and relationships is sobering, as indeed it has been all the time I've been ill.   Horribly tempting to see myself as a victim.  I have to ask am I really, and if so why.  Why does the behaviour of others trigger the old childhood feelings - not good enough, not worth making the effort for, feelings that have been a leitmotif throughout my life.  You are so strong and independent people say to me.  And I am.  But I'm also lonely much of the time and that's very hard to admit.

What this period of ill health and consequent isolation has done is give me the space and time to deal with some of this.   I've not only let go of junk food and clutter; some  family relationships and friendships have faded away as well. Illness has changed the dynamics.  All but two I accept as having ended naturally, but the remaining two I grieve and ache for.  Disappointment and disillusion are hard.

The isolation has been needed.  Awful but needed.  I've needed to understand how strong I am as well as how weak. Sometimes - not so often now thankfully - the physical pain and discomfort have been so excruciatingly bad I wouldn't have been able to cope with anyone around  me,  also the loneliness has provided the framework, the space and time to think and dream and hope, to take care of my diet and health without pressure from others.  There is solid satisfaction in cleaning up my act. (Mustn't forget either to thank the two therapists, the cranial osteopath and the naturopath, who in different ways continue to haul me out of the pit).

As I said, sobering.  But given where I was in early 2009, almost certainly necessary.   And going into 2014 I'm not unhopeful that with honesty and vulnerability, as well as strength and independence, things may change. Even though I'm sixty-four.  My dreams are more mundane and realistic now but that's just fine. 

December morning

The brittle, dying leaves and dry flower heads on the buddleia rustle in the cold wind.   A robin sings as though it were already spring. 

Unexpected beauty

Broken bracelet. Now a clutch of birds eggs in a china nest.

Fuzzy

So it's been grey and stormy (though we inland-dwellers have had it easy compared with those on the coast, many of whom have been flooded out) but today is peaceful and, intermittently, sunny.  In the ongoing decluttering campaign this morning I've thrown out a box of wooden toothpicks and some unusable wrapping paper and ribbon, and have put a pair of salad servers and a random wooden fork in the bag for the charity shop.  Ridiculously satisfying to be doing this; gradually remedying some of the chaos of the past five years when stuff piled up simply because I didn't have the focus or energy to decide what to do with it.   Energy levels are still pretty low and probably will be for months more but in a way this is good; stops any risk of overreaching.   I'm laying the physical foundations for the rest of my life, it's my last chance to do this and the process can't be rushed.  Reconstruction takes time.

Seem to be losing my knack with a camera as well.  Perhaps my hand shakes more than it did.  Fuzzy is the word for most of my recent photographic attempts, but I'm fond of these.

It's Christmas Cactus season.

Silver Birch

It's been a while since I posted but I'm still here.  The recovery road has been rough of late and flare-ups of any kind dry up my blogging juices, but dammit I don't want to stop.  So I'm going to keep the bar low.  A few lines will do.

Let me tell you about this morning's gale.  A wild one.  The last few leaves from the silver birch danced and and soared in front of the kitchen window like so many yellow butterflies.  The tree herself swayed and shuddered, tossing her branches as a woman might her long hair.