Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Twelfth House

In [the 12th House] the progressing Moon gives a person the opportunity to examine his life from a perspective broader than that of self-gain and self-interest. If a person will not take this opportunity then he will be forced to acknowledge that there are other ways of looking at the situations in which he has been involved, even if this takes imprisonment, hospitalisation or the loss of loved ones. During this period of his life a person frequently feels lost and lonely but nonetheless, it exists as an opportunity for him to rethink his life and use his future more wisely than he has used his time up to that point. That opportunity will be at its most obvious and most pressing as the Moon reaches the closing degrees of the 12th House - just before a new twenty-eight year cycle begins.

The DK Foundation

Yup, that's me right now.  Looking back over the past months and the state of my life and relationships is sobering, as indeed it has been all the time I've been ill.   Horribly tempting to see myself as a victim.  I have to ask am I really, and if so why.  Why does the behaviour of others trigger the old childhood feelings - not good enough, not worth making the effort for, feelings that have been a leitmotif throughout my life.  You are so strong and independent people say to me.  And I am.  But I'm also lonely much of the time and that's very hard to admit.

What this period of ill health and consequent isolation has done is give me the space and time to deal with some of this.   I've not only let go of junk food and clutter; some  family relationships and friendships have faded away as well. Illness has changed the dynamics.  All but two I accept as having ended naturally, but the remaining two I grieve and ache for.  Disappointment and disillusion are hard.

The isolation has been needed.  Awful but needed.  I've needed to understand how strong I am as well as how weak. Sometimes - not so often now thankfully - the physical pain and discomfort have been so excruciatingly bad I wouldn't have been able to cope with anyone around  me,  also the loneliness has provided the framework, the space and time to think and dream and hope, to take care of my diet and health without pressure from others.  There is solid satisfaction in cleaning up my act. (Mustn't forget either to thank the two therapists, the cranial osteopath and the naturopath, who in different ways continue to haul me out of the pit).

As I said, sobering.  But given where I was in early 2009, almost certainly necessary.   And going into 2014 I'm not unhopeful that with honesty and vulnerability, as well as strength and independence, things may change. Even though I'm sixty-four.  My dreams are more mundane and realistic now but that's just fine. 


Sabine said...

This makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
I feel there is a difference between isolation, alone-ness and loneliness. There have been times when I cherished being alone, isolated more than anything as it meant quiet and not having to cope with more than I could handle. But I have also been dreadfully alone and lost often due to others being unable to comprehend what was/is going on (all very understandable) and this is one aspect I am still most fearful of. It's a difficult balance.
May your modest dreams all come true.

mm said...

I agree. There is a difference between all three. I've been describing the difficult side isolation and loneliness here mainly because they are so difficult for me to write about. But interspersed with them are periods of peaceful aloneness and quiet which like you I have cherished.

I hear what you are saying about the difficulty of conveying to others - who cannot possibly understand because they haven't been through anything similar and because in my case it isn't always fully recognised by the orthodox medical community - what is going on physically. That too contributes to the isolation.

Thank you for understanding all this and I wish you the very best.

Relatively Retiring said...

(0) and hugs.

mm said...

Thanks RR.

Leslee said...

Ah yes, pMoon in the 12th is not the best of times, though coming out into the 1st has its own challenges! Sorry to hear of your struggles, but glad that you're finding some meaning in it. I have no doubt that things will improve with time after the difficult passage. A happy 2014 to you - may it bring relief and joy.

mm said...

Leslee,thanks. Will have to wait till 2015 to experience the pMoon crossing the ascendant .... We shall see!

And a happy 2014 to you as well.